- Seeming inappropriate
- Making others uncomfortable
- Embarrassing myself
- Making myself look bad/weird/etc.
Also, my mom reads my blog! Hi Mom!
Remember my life purpose I shared in my first blog post a few weeks ago? Well, today I am the Wild Card who is kind of afraid my Mom will read this. My inner critic or Gremlin if you will, is in my head like this:
I’m joking and possibly creating some awkwardness here. Why? Because I’m already anticipating reactions, thinking of censoring myself, and so on. I’m also joking because it is a way I avoid conveying in a more serious way, something I care about, and think is an important question to ask.
Here are some fortunes I made up:
What if things changed…in bed?
What if you changed who you thought you were…in bed?
What if you asked for what you wanted…in bed?
What if you allowed your most authentic self to emerge…in bed?
If you do turn away from some of these questions out of discomfort my only request is to ask yourself what’s underneath that reaction. Of course, you have every right to refuse that request. I will not take it personally if you stop reading my blog or have a less-than-stellar opinion of me.
This space is about reclaiming the power of “What if” questions and pointing them towards possibility, exploration, re-examination of beliefs, and so on. It’s not a place to fan the flames of catastrophic thinking or fear. That said, I do acknowledge that fear often stands in the way of exploring possibilities.
We live life once. I believe we should enjoy it as the fullest expression of our authentic selves. I myself am still working on it and this blog is part of that exploration. How does holding back and censoring ourselves get in the way?
There is power in asking What If questions. This is not a blog with “10 Magical Steps To Bliss” or advice to give. I ask a lot of questions and trust you readers to come up with your own answers because you are creative, capable and fully in charge of yourselves! Everyone’s life and journey are unique.
I strongly believe there is an empowering space of possibility that lies beyond any What If question and that includes questions that end with “in bed.”
Full disclosure! Starting a blog was a challenge given to me this morning by my amazing coach. It feels scary but I’m doing it anyway because I want to step outside of my comfort zone to see what’s out there. What if it’s not so bad?
I’m here because the current version of my life purpose is:
I am the Wild Card that reveals your “What if?”
A couple of weeks ago during a yoga class, a little voice in my head said “you’re holding back” and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. What if I am holding back? How can I truly step into my life purpose of being a Wild Card if I’m holding back? What if I tried something new? What if I didn’t try and I regretted it later? My blogging resume includes exactly one post I wrote two years ago which was a Motherhood Manifesto. That was also the result of a challenge given to me by a coach. It was nerve-wracking for me at the time to publish it. As someone with a preference for introversion, I haven’t yet cultivated supreme comfort in sharing my innermost thoughts. And I may never feel comfortable with it! That doesn’t mean I can’t and shouldn’t do it though. Some of you may have heard of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. In MBTI terms, I am an INFP. My beautiful cousin Kelly (and fellow INFP) sent me a a funny article last week entitled The Definition Of Hell for Each Meyers-Briggs Personality Type. The definition of hell for me as an INFP was listed as:
Your deepest thoughts and feelings are exposed to a large audience and everyone thinks that you’re pathetic and unoriginal.
Eeeek. That felt true for me when I read it. And yet here I am.
I have a core belief that I haven’t quite articulated yet and it’s something related to the question of “What If?” and how hidden doors to new spaces open up for people as a result. This just popped into my mind! In a 1903 letter to his protégé (captured in Letters to a Young Poet), Rainer Maria Rilke wrote:
I want to beg you, as much as I can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
I have a deep-seated desire for people to realize that there is so much more available to them than they might think. “More what?” you might ask. More love, more connection, more adventure, more fun, more of what they want and more of what’s important to them. We can live our way into this new space. I suspect this new space lies beyond the stories we tell ourselves like “Oh, I’m just not that kind of person” or the list of practical reasons that can prevent us from trying something different.
Currently, I think there are two kinds of What Ifs. Those that open the door of possibilities like “What if I started a blog? What if I enjoy writing it?” I think the second kind are What Ifs that open the door to Gremlin-land like “What if no one reads it? What if people judge me? What if no one cares? What if I stink at using WordPress?” I imagine my focus in these blog posts will be more on the door of possibilities but what if I’m wrong about that?
This post will not be a one-time deal and I am committed to hashing out my ideas around “What if?” here in a public forum. I needed to write that down so I don’t have an out. You can all witness me exploring and stumbling around as I process (via this blog) the concept of “What if?” and what it means for me and for others. Writing that previous sentence made me realize I do not want to put up a glass observation booth here that hinders connection. Please know that I wholeheartedly invite your comments and participation about the impact of What Ifs on you and your life. Stay tuned for more. What if it’s actually not hell for me as an INFP revealing my thoughts and feelings to a public audience? I’m curious about what’s next and open to whatever space I’m living my way into.